Love requires shamelessness, says psychotherapist
A woman is ashamed of being naked in the bedroom. Or a man covers himself with a towel when she goes into the bathroom. I understand that we are ashamed of strangers. But the man we live with who says he loves?
Toxic shame is not about the person watching. It’s about us. We are ashamed of our own look. We can’t stand ourselves. Toxic shame engulfs the whole “I” and only looks for an excuse to ruin our life together. We may think it’s about small breasts or skinny legs. But the thing is, when we were little, we were often embarrassed. Painfully convincing in this way that we have to hide ourselves, because if someone sees what we are like, they will laugh and reject us without mercy. That’s why we hid deep inside ourselves so we wouldn’t be ashamed anymore. But also so that no one can see who we are. However, we do not associate the suffering we experienced in childhood with the fact that when a loved one wants to take a bath with us, we say: “no!”. We say no because we think we’re only loved because we’ve managed to hide from him what
Why is shaming so toxic that it stays with us for life?
As adults, we are afraid of ridicule, irony, mockery, because they violate our human dignity. And when we are shamed children, our personality cannot develop properly. Toxic shame is at the root of many emotional and personality problems. When we’re 12, we don’t go swimming because of pimples on our backs. When we’re 30, we won’t undress by the light. But we won’t sail and get tan either. Because of toxic shame, we often don’t do what we want to do. We don’t even invite friends to our house, because we are afraid of being compared to their homes. But it’s not about pimples, breasts or the square footage of the house, underneath all these shames is the shame of who we are, which is who we are. We think it’s enough to hide small breasts or skinny legs and you’ll be fine! Well, it won’t, because we hide much more.
After all, what we have breasts or legs, you can see! And if we keep separating ourselves from our partner with a towel, he will eventually feel rejected. Like friends you don’t invite home.
It can be seen, it cannot be seen, it will feel, it will not feel … The truth is not important here. For someone with toxic shame, what they see and think matters. The shameful person has a strong projection mechanism: they are sure that the partner will reject them if they see how they are. This projection mechanism also blurs reality in such a way that the person who is ashamed cannot see that the other person is with them, that they want them, that they like them… It is best in such a situation to admit that we are ashamed. And if we hear: “But you have nothing to be ashamed of, because you are beautiful”, then believe it.