“For love to last, couples need touch,” argues psychotherapist and biodanza trainer
For small children, touch is something natural and common, with age there is less and less of it in our lives, because we keep our distance from strangers. And there would be no problem if we satisfied the need for touch in relationships with loved ones and in relationships. Is it really so?
No, in my experience, most people are unaware of the role touch plays in our lives. I have been conducting development workshops in various countries for several years and many of my students complain about its deficiency. Meanwhile, when we are touched in the right way, the level of our life energy increases. We feel loved, safe, important. We are more calm and aware of our sexuality.
Who complains more often: women or men?
I observe a deficit of touch in both women and men, but women talk about it more often. Men usually don’t ask to be hugged, hugged, or touched because that would mean admitting a vulnerability that they feel is at odds with being tough, which they were usually raised to be.
I am a biodanza teacher that uses music, movement and touch. During the workshops, I can see very clearly how difficult it is for men to express this need.
What kind of touch between partners is missing?
It’s definitely not enough to look each other in the eye…
Is a look a touch?
Yes. Each of us has had such an experience that suddenly we physically felt someone’s attentive gaze – as if someone touched us. This is confirmed by scientific research conducted at the University of Montreal. This is where relationships start. Looking deep into each other’s eyes creates intimacy, i.e. a space where we can meet our partner sexually.
How much touch do we need to get rid of this deficit?
It has been calculated that if we cuddle five times a day for at least a minute, we will observe beneficial physiological effects: then the so-called. happiness hormones: oxytocin and serotonin.
And how does the issue of touch look at different stages of the relationship?
A relationship usually starts with the flames of emotion and desire – about two years full of close contact and sex. Then there is more and more distance and less touch. Therefore, for love to survive, couples need conscious work on this sphere. Learning to touch can be an extremely interesting experience that strengthens the relationship, because the vast majority of people do not know what kind of touch gives others pleasure. Instead of doing it in a slow, tender way, they make quick, powerful movements, as if they were about to wash the dishes or the car.
But it’s never too late to learn! When I was in my twenties, I started studying the subject and then running workshops. In my family, it was not customary to express love through touch, so I thought that since I teach strangers, it would be worth starting with my loved ones. It took half a year before I was able to run a family workshop because someone kept finding excuses not to do it. And then everything changed. My mother